Hey there, Marissa!
First off, I’m so sorry I haven’t written lately. I’ve been busy managing my new global team, now that all those WFH slackers have been let go.
Who says you can’t manage 72 people across 6 different time zones?
Not you! The best part: I never have to worry about getting enough face time at the office. Am I right?
Let me just say that I think you’re doing a bang-up job at Yahoo! The nursery looks AMAZING!
All those stuffed animals make for super cozy power napping between calls with India and China!
Like I was saying, everything is going great! And now that I only see my family on weekends, I’m even MORE productive at the office—where EVERYONE should be! Am I right?
I just have a couple of concerns about our review process.
I know stack ranking and a forced curve can’t hurt power ladies like us. We were born to be at the top!
But I am a little worried about the people on my team who work hard, but don’t have as much to show for it. You know the type—great disposition, love to help, care about the customer, can be counted on to say what they really think, even when it’s not what you want to hear. So tiresome!
Thing is, my team really likes these people, and it seems unfair to get rid of them for being only above average. Besides, who’s going to support the 35 percent of my team that always exceeds expectations? You really can’t spell “team” with an “I,” but try telling that to these folks. It’s all “me, me, me,” all the time.
And let’s face it, you really can’t make sharks hunt as a team, can you? Exactly!
I knew you’d understand, Ms. M. You always do!
*An imaginary Yahoo employee
*Parody: A literary or artistic work that imitates for comic effect or ridicule.
The best part of the annual Halloween carnival at my daughter’s school? Cake. Lots of it, decorated in fantastic, creative ways. But here’s the thing about beautiful cupcakes and confections: People don’t eat them.
I’ve volunteered at the Halloween cake table for two years now, and in my tenure, one thing rings true: The most beautiful, artfully decorated desserts aren’t the ones that people eat.
Sad but true, but my plain frosted sugar cookies sold like…sugar cookies.
People marveled at the creativity and complexity of the designs, but when it was time to throw down a dollar, people bought…brownies.
It really is true: You can be too pretty to eat. See for yourself.
Green Halloween came by fiat to my neighborhood last year. I’m still unhappy about it, not because I’m against going green (like I’d ever admit that), or work at Mars (that would be awesome), or think type-2 diabetes provides a great way to teach children about the consequences of a poor diet (it doesn’t). One reason I don’t care for this ridiculous “holiday”?
It’s not really green.
Visit the epicenter of Green Halloween how-to, and you’ll find all sorts of alternatives to the refined sugar-rich crap candy that most people hand out and almost all kids love, complete with links to the companies who make them—for easy purchasing.
So you’re still buying sugar—ethically sourced, organic sugar or sugar substitutes—but to your kid’s body, it’s still sugar.
Opting for the ”purer” route? You can try pencils, stickers, tops, or anything from a long list of mostly recycled (and pricey) plastic toys.
So while you’re maybe helping the environment by purchasing recycled plastics, you’re still buying stuff. Compulsive consumerism, not traditional Halloween, is easily one of the major factors in environmental decline.
But you know what really, really bothers me about Green Halloween?
The shaming that I find in this quote from the Green Halloween website: “Green Halloween treats and treasures need not be purchased. Handmade items, especially those made out of recycled and natural materials can be easy, fun and inexpensive – not to mention, thoughtful.”
Who has time to make 200 crafts for the kids in the neighborhood?
And who’s going to clean the egg off my house when some of those kids don’t like their hand-crafted gifts?
And why isn’t the candy I buy—king-size candy, not that bite-size stuff for wimps—”thoughtful”?
But if I raise an objection to my neighborhood’s Green Halloween edict, I’ll be branded a right-wing nut job, a bad element, or worse, a bad mom.
Resistance is futile.
Kale chip, anyone?